“You? I can’t imagine you ever getting married”. Brick one, placed without hesitation. As a 12 year old I felt more truth in that statement than any other. Knowing she could see something repulsively wrong within me.

“Stop caring so much, no one wants to know your upset”. Brick two, laid with agonizing ‘happiness’ as poison poured down my soul. I became a walking mechanical doll of feigned indifference and fake laughter. Only silent, hidden tears ever came.

Every time I cared too much, loved too deeply, showed unaccepted anger, or allowed any uncontrolled emotion to well up I felt the stinging rejection. If only I could be free of feeling, I could be free of others.

 I “arrived” at emotional deadness when I heard the enemy’s mocking laughter in delight that at my outward apathy. Inwardly, I then questioned if  my smile and nod was even wrong.

BRICK AFTER BRICK FIRMLY PLACED.

I built the wall from the inside, knowing something external was also occurring. Though I couldn’t physically see it, the Enemy was spreading thick plaster over the outside feeding me with lies that ‘your pain doesn’t matter’, ‘your being too dramatic, that doesn’t really hurt’ and ‘just get over yourself’.

I went to church, lead in youth group, didn’t have sex, & went on mission trips. Fake victories even occurred within those brick walls covered in plaster.

I knew Truth, I could even explain Truth to others, but I couldn’t live in it.

Brick after brick, the second layer began.

Not only did my emotions become controlled, but I learned the power of controlling others. Giving a false sense of strength rooted in pride, independence, and lies. 

I worked really hard at Christianity.

I continually internalized all of MY sins and rehashed them. Without recognizing that I was pushing down every sin committed AGAINST me.

For that I now stand: A MESS.

The laughter I have let overwhelm all other emotions has been overcome with a deep mourning. Tears well up in my soul, not only for the Cambodia people that need restored, but for my own self that is desperate for the same restoration.

THE BRICKS HAVE FALLEN.

I am standing in the rubble.

My God has pulled me up to WAGE WAR.

So, I stand ready to bend over and search through the rubble for the Truth that will overcome every brick’s lie.