No, that heading isn’t a typo – it’s just that this past week has been HARD. I’ve lived trying to hide my head under a pillow in self-loathing despair.

I’ve binged, more then normal. Snapped at my mom, for no reason other then she was talking. I’ve complained about blessings that any sane person would rejoice over.

I've Walked in fear.

                 Dug into old hurts with annoyed fists {after asking God for the opportunity}

&

                                                Even had to delete an angry, rambling, blog.

Whew, all that {for more, you could probably ask my mom} in four days.

And I’m a missionary.

People have a funny idea about missionaries. A friend explains it this way:

"There are different 'levels' of radically following Christ. The lowest level is the businessmen/women, middle is the pastors, and then… way up “there” missionaries stand."

The "Level" idea is dead wrong.

Take me, for example.

....

Ya, exactly... i'm pretty sure it had to have been shortly after meeting me that he realized how wrong this idea was.  

If I wasn’t still in a constant battle to follow the Holy Spirits leading I’d be in heaven. Maybe that’s where the level idea is actually true: People on earth at one level and people in heaven on a different level.

I just know being a person on earth is a battle, period.

Currently, my battle is moving to Cambodia. Packing isn't my thing. I hate goodbyes. There is still past junk seeping to the surface. These things make it a very messy battle.

For you, It might be going back to teaching school (shout-out to my amazing teacher/counselor friends), struggling through an awkward “what’s next” time, or being too comfortable in the same job you had 3 years ago.

So, because we are all equally messy individuals (regardless of profession) I share my weaknesses with you.

Why?

                     It helps me look up from myself and recognize I’m NOT alone.

When I invite others into my messiness, I’ve found they fight for, and love me, through it.

When others invite me in, I can utilize the Word of God and fight for them also.

This is the sword I was given to fight with yesterday as I shared these things with a friend:

“I have no fear of bad news; my heart is steadfast; trusting in the Lord. My heart is secure, I will have no fear.” Psalm 112:7-8

When I don't know what news is ahead; my heart is steadfast

When I still struggle with deep yet-fulfilled desires, I trust in the Lord my provider

When I want to binge: I don’t need foods comfort – My heart is secure

When I’m scared of recognizing past pain: I will have no fear

If I hadn't shared/confessed my struggles she wouldn't have known what words of Truth I needed to be given.

So, let's share messiness, so crazy ideas that somehow a few of us are on a different "level" then another aren't believed.