The Cost of Discipleship, by Dietrich Bonheoffer is my favorite book. Not because it’s an easy read, either. I couldn’t finish it the first time I opened it. I felt asking me to die was just "too much” for me. Bonhoeffer kept asking the readers to give up everything for the Kingdom of God.
Everything.
Quite honestly, I wasn't lovesick enough to give up everything. I didn't know how He felt about me, to what ends he would go to pursue me - or how faithfully He would call my name until I responded.
Knowing the Lord was asking me to forsake the many idols to fully pursue Him instead I clung on to them tightly. I closed the book to avoid further convictions.
The Cost was too high. Cheap grace was more my style. Inexpensive grace left me with an understanding that heaven was awaiting me regardless and I could spend this lifetime pursuing my desires the way I deemed best.
I missed something really key, in The Cost of Discipleship.
The Cost of Death.
…
Pursue the Holy Spirit’s presence, or drink too much wine?
Seek out revelations and encounters, or buy some ‘comfort food and console myself "this is what lifes about"
Soak in the Christ’s perfect peace, or rely on drugs to “chill out”.
Wait for the King of kings to speak, or pursue the next relational hook-up?
Bask in the Lord’s intimate knowledge… or be “intimately” known by man?
Know the Faithfulness of the Lord always stands true... "hoping" life turns out okay.
...
The Cost of Death, choosing to pursue the average joe’s idea of a “good time” costs us not only intimacy with our Creator – it destroys us. Robbing life of its fullness, stealing us away from hours of Right Worship in exchange for idol worship.
Bonhoefer is right, Discipleship is costly – Death, however, is much more expensive.
This week I did something a wee bit unusual for me. I cracked open some acrylic paints, grabbed a blank sheet for my canvas, and set to work. Creating some art that only a mom would call a masterpiece, but that showed part of my heart nevertheless.
If you look closely [some imagination required] you’ll see a bunch of tulips in an overly large vase.
I don't even like tulips.
{I mean, in Pella I put up with them only because it means Smoky Row too.}
Why tulips then?
Tulips are originally grown in cold-winter climates, but often they are exported to other regions [i.e: Pella, Iowa]. When they are planted outside of their natural environment, the seed has to be placed around 8 inches further down to protect from harsh weather.
So, to answer "why?" I too have been “exported” to Cambodia, and placed in an unusually harsh climate. This atmosphere requires me to be deeply planted for survival in the middle of the winter season.
The weather is harsh and its fire burns hot, yet I can rejoice in it. I have been protected from the difficult elements because His love is the soil that keeps me safe. Wrapped in His love, and surrounded by His joy that pours out of it.
This Advent season I am properly in awe – again – of Christ’s seed that came down in all humility. Fully human, knowing and living through our pain, so we could be planted in Him.
What about you? Are you finding yourself barely hanging onto life during this season? Dig into the Lord deeper so that in the middle of harsh realities His beauty will move your heart to praise.
What is the purpose of spilling out words on a canvas for you? Why do I share what my struggles are, where my heart lays?
I have become wordless recently, as you may have noticed, realizing that you have the ability to misconstrue my words however you deem correct. Not trusting you to read them, nor I to write, as Christ would.
Yet, after a short leave of absence, I am here again, painfully aware at how easily you can judge my words:
False, if they convict you too deeply. Truth, because of my occupations title, when they are not.
But, because my mouth can't keep quiet and my fingers are not capable of staying still... I'm here again to share and allow criticism as the Lord justifies.
This is where my heart has been
The Power of Praying, Singing, Rejoicing, and Dwelling on Scripture
This past month I’ve been really blessed by online lectures from IHOP, specifically Mike Bickles series on the Song of Songs. The Song is a place the Lord has been drawing me to for the past 6 months. I would go to it, read it, study a little bit, become overwhelmed and put it down. Only to pick it up again, and again, and again… The musical side of me that clings onto lyrics could not stop being intrigued by the best song ever written.
Yes, the symbolism can be confusing.
Yes, you can find insanely wacked-out theological beliefs on The Song.
Yet, the passion found there is incredible and worth fighting for understanding. Dwelling on it has been the best thing I’ve done since coming to Cambodia.
I’ve discovered that as I read The Song repeatedly, and speak it out loud, my heart is becoming softened to the Lord’s voice.
I’m coming alive in an entirely different way.
One that rejoices in walking in Truth, even difficult Truth, when before I was merely obeying out of knowledge that it was good to obey Truth more then death. I'll leave you with a little excerpt from the best song ever written.
The Song of All Songs
1 The Song of Songs, which is Solomon’s. 2May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth For your love is better than wine 3 “Your oils have a pleasing fragrance,
Your name is like purified oil Therefore the maidens love you. 4“Draw me after you and let us run together!
My Reflection:
The Best Song, written by Solomon.
May He kiss me with the kisses of His mouth. For out of His Mouth pours forth Truth that awakens every dead particle of our beings. His Truth softens our hearts and brings us into right placement with Him.
May you kiss me with your Word, because Your love is better than wine. Not only wine, but every good thing you have given us! Family, Friendships, Children, Work, all of Your Creation!
Your oils have a pleasing fragrance, they burst forth! Your name is so beautifully perfumed that every maiden can't help loving you.
Draw me into your presence, o thank you for drawing me in! Let us run together, in full partnership, that we can spread your aroma together!
Let us run together, as a body, dwelling in all Truth and rejoicing in real, genuine life! Rejoicing in thankfulness and requesting to have this heart - one that desires full Truth, recognizes that Christ is better then any good thing, asking to come into full partnership.
If you want to check out the teaching series, you can search on iTunes Store for Yearn, Faint, Cry Song of Songs Discs 1-20. I believe they are produced by IHOP.
Choosing to step outside my Cambodian door I am met by Khmer people whose occupation title reads “begging.” Little boys, girls, moms, aunties and uncles…missing limbs, blind, deaf, uneducated. They put out their bowls and make the global “need rice” signal.
I have a desire to help them.
That desire, however, is kind of scary.
As my teammate Ellie eloquently put it in this blog:
“Do you want to know what I'm really scared of? That if I stop and listen to you, I'll care.
And caring requires sacrifice.”
So, I push down all desire to give and distract myself.
Let me walk on by, push my way through, ignore your questioning eyes.
{I may give you a few seconds of my time, though. What’s your favorite color, what’s your name, how do you like the weather, how’s your health?}
You want me to buy you a meal? Too busy.
Help you in any other way – are you kidding me?
Yet, the Lord’s echoing voice constantly makes me question if that’s REALLY cool with Him. ‘Cause frequently I see Him having compassion on the desperate, instead of despising them.
When describing the Judgment scene when all the nations will be brought together in front of the Father, Jesus says:
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
Matthew 25:34-36
Whoa.
I step outside of my door everyday, and I can feed the KING. Not just a king but the King of all kings, Lord of all lords…and I have just begun to describe His Glorious nature.
I do NOT want to miss out on this opportunity.
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Matthew 25:40
In Cambodia, the beggars are pretty obvious. In your hometown, they are just as real too…although you might miss them if you don’t look. I’m going to challenge you to get outside of your circle, or maybe even stay within it, and see where there is hunger.
Give the King your loving gifts of food, clothes, water and maybe even a cake – today.
“I’ve been in Cambodia over one month; I should get out and start doing something. Enough with this whole learning phase. I’ve had about 10 Khmer conversations, read some books on sex trafficking, and visited organizations. Yes, I know what needs to be done. Now, I’ll go do it.”
Then, my Lord patiently sighed and said, “Dear Child, you have just begun learning.”
Sitting down at the feet of Jesus faithfully every day can be hard. Yes, it’s life-giving and beautiful. Unarguably the best decision anyone can make.
Yet, there are temptations everywhere to get up and run away.
The billion dollar sex industry thriving, thousands of people being submitted to eternal lives of hell, and people starving all in my neighborhood easily pull at me to come running out, in my flesh, to do something.
Easily, I have succumbed to thinking that doing more is a good answer.
If only we opened more orphanages & feeding programs, created more business as missions, educated society more effectively.
IF ONLY WE CREATED MORE PROGRAMS.
Then, the problems would be solved.
If only I was doing more.
That is the mantra I’ve grown up with. DO more.
That mentality is [deathly] wrong.
The LORD God is King. Jesus is HIS name. KING of ALL Kings.
He is the one that ends injustice,
Sets in motion plans for kingdoms and ethnic groups to praise Him,
Parts the Red Sea,
& uses people like Moses, a man who was not eloquent in
speech yet became the Nation of God's spokesperson.
HIS heart is the one we must cry out to day and night, for He is the only One needed.
HIS justice demolishing the wicked injustices of our generation.
HIS jealousy destroying the love of money.
His grace restoring our societies “unredeemable” people.
His mercy pouring out peace into the most violent of men.
Today, I repent of running away from Jesus’ feet to feebly attempt some human works. As I came close enough to my normal matted floor earlier today I heard His voice...
“Heather, look at your days of doing. What have you accomplished so far? You plan to go here and there with your own agenda of looking good. Listen to me, remember my word to you? I have called you here to pray, fast,and dancefor justice. You can keep on trying to do, but your plans will be thwarted until your plan is to sit with me and listen.”
So here I sit, humbled.
Asking the Lord,
“How do I pray change, dance against injustice, and fast for captives’ freedom? Teach me, Lord, I am sitting here, ready.”
The first night eating out in Phnom Penh, I witnessed a police officer sitting while a 50 year old man sat with a young girl one table over from me.
I was a bit shocked then, I knew it would be everywhere but one table down seemed too… close.
This is normal now.
Each time, it’s a struggle.
I was able to visit IJM (International Justice Mission) Phnom Penh headquarters and hear about their work recently. While there, I was given greater understanding as to WHY it is normal for officers to watch underage prostitution deals unfold.
Previous knowledge that
yes, it is because the officers are using the prostitutes themselves,
patronize beer gardens,
and their pay is mostly bribes.
It is also, that they often have 3 months or less of training.
Yes.
Less then three months of training on law enforcement.
IJM has found that this lack of training has a variety of side effects:
1) They don’t know the laws, in general. [Let alone the laws on prostitution].
2) They have no desire to fulfill their duties well.
3) They are not given training on how to report an underage prostitution case.
4) Promotion within the field is achieved only through bribes. Getting paid off to keep quiet about a brothel or beer gardens activities is normal.
It almost seems hopeless.
Almost.
There is good news though.
There is ONE police officer who is a believer. ONE police officer who is helping IJM provide further training to interested police officers.
One, who refuses to pay bribes to move up in rank. Regardless of how many times he’s been offered the opportunity.
So, instead of looking at disgust with officers as I pass them by an overwhelming sense of Hope comes over me. Hope that the Lord would move in each one, that they would be changed internally and that would transfer to fulfilling their job requirements well. Hope that they would become men of high caliber who don’t beat their wives, frequent beer gardens and “coffee houses”.
So I’m asking you to pray with me, that officers would be raised up.
Pray that they would know The LORD, and follow His commands to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Jesus.
Tomorrow, I'm praying I'll learn about ten more that are believers!
In Phnom Penh last night, a girl was gang raped by fifty men.
This is normal. It happened to many girls last night, not just one.
In your neighborhood, a girl was violently assaulted before, during, and after the production of a pornographic video.
Hours later, computer screens flashed onto watch the video on repeat.
This is normal.
Does that disgust you?
Do you care that your current spouse, child, and brother will be exposed to these kinds of evil acts against humanity?
I hope so.
I hope you are hurting inside.
Because the LORD sees the plight of each hopeless heart and He is beckoning for His people to stand up pleading on their behalf.
So,you are formally invited, may we raise our voices in harmony, together watching and waiting for the LORD to set all captives free.
“Regarding Zion, I can't keep my mouth shut, regarding Jerusalem, I can't hold my tongue,
Until her righteousness blazes down like the sun
and her salvation flames up like a torch.
Foreign countries will see your righteousness,
and world leaders your glory.
You'll get a brand-new name
straight from the mouth of God.
You'll be a stunning crown in the palm of God's hand,
a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.
No more will anyone call you Rejected,
and your country will no more be called Ruined.
You'll be called Hephzibah (My Delight),
and your land Beulah (Married),
Because God delights in you
and your land will be like a wedding celebration.
For as a young man marries his virgin bride,
so your builder marries you,
And as a bridegroom is happy in his bride,
so your God is happy with you.
I've posted watchmen on your walls, Jerusalem.
Day and night they keep at it, praying, calling out,
reminding God to remember.
They are to give him no peace until he does what he said,
until he makes Jerusalem famous as the City of Praise.
Isaiah 62:1-7
I feel a deep desperation welling up inside of me; one to search and know the entirety of the Trinity. I want to understand dreams, intercession, acts of love, and how all of those come together as the same thing:
worship.
I want to know the fullness of the Holy Spirit, the Blood of Jesus Christ’s power, and never leave the safety of Father God’s perfect love.
We all want that, don’t we?
I feel desperation to sit and wait at Jesus feet… but life is picking up. Things are beckoning me away from His beautiful feet. People to meet, friends to see, and both a language and culture that need to be learned. There are endless amount of people within walking distance from my house, who don’t know True Freedom.
Temptation is pretty high to do things that will make me look good;
in exchange, ignoring the reason for my creation.
Worship.
So I ask to sit and listen, and with His tender eyes He speaks.
Every word another gift, and increasingly I am enchanted by each one.
Delighted in His presence.
& Desperate for more.
So I sit here, overwhelmed at His greatness, eager to spend the rest of my life sitting at His feet.
Fervently desiring to be walking with His Spirit’s power overflowing, holding His hand, and sitting tenderly attentive to every word He speaks.
The word’s bearing Life that continually lead me to Worship.
Rejoicing at the Father’s work despite the sinful flesh.
Rejoicing that He has even greater things for me ahead.
Rejoicing that He has greater things for you.
May we always be living with unquenchable thirst for more of Him.
May praise never leave our lips.
That together, we can live Fully Alive, in unquenchable desperation.
For years of my life I have believed a prideful lie. One that has been re-iterated so many times, it is commonly believed to be Truth.
The lie that I have more than “poor, deprived, starving children in Africa.” In response, I have offered up sacrifices of guilt, poured out finances, time, and a pretend love… all in attempts to give Christ only to those who “really needed Him, because they don’t have anything else.”
The lie that I have more than “upper class filthy rich, uncompassionate, pricks living in mansions.”
In response, I have judged them as guilty. I have scoffed at their pain and turned my face from them. I have ignored that my God can easily show Himself to all, regardless of social status.
I have been blinded by lies not fully seeing. We all really need Him.
Fooled by the physical, not realizing we all have the same spiritual reality.
I am merely a human; my education has not lifted me higher than a prostitute mother. I am the one that has contributed to showy church services void of meaning. I have given up pride offerings to bring justice, ignorantly forgetting to petition the God who created justice, and is fully just, to come through.
I have compared myself, time and again, to the “lesser Christians.” You know, the ones who sit in the church service, lethargically slouching in their pew – week after week.Failing to recognize my own desperate need for renewed Life, day after day.
Christ came for the sick, I am the sick.
We are the sick.
Americans… Africans… Cambodians…
We are the ones who have turned our backs on God’s voice, time and again.
We are the ones who have heard and seen the gospel, and still been blind to its
full power.
I eagerly announce to you my foolishness, that God may be more glorified in my life.
For He, in His almighty strength, has used me to announce His name.
Regardless of my infancy and misunderstanding of reality.
I praise the Lord, because He is the One who heals me from foolish, shallow thinking.
I rejoice that He is the perfect Papa who lovingly disciplines me when I forget He owns every dollar.
His Joy fills me, because in my sickness He has reached me.
I have touched His cloak,
And now in front of me I can see, Truth. The Truth That Sets Us Free.
There is a place I often go. It’s a shaded path with majestic trees and jutting paths that meet open meadows. The destination is usually a grassy knoll, where I lie with Jesus. On the way we dart into the trees, and explore the unmarked areas. There are fields of wildflowers, prairie grass, and Light.
Always Light.
Sometimes, we walk into what appears to be dark areas… but Light is always just ahead of our gait.
This past week, when I was on a team debrief in Vietnam, the Lord gave me a glimpse of our place in the physical world. A place He had to talk me out of normal, to experience.
“Trust me! Get out of your coffee shops and come explore with Me; I have fields of wildflowers for you,” He said.
The next day, I went walking in Vietnam’s capital. There, in the middle of the city was a beautiful green park. I instantly kicked off my shoes and walked around, marveling at the soft massage walking on wet grass provides.
Singing out praises and jumping with joy.
It was a breath of joy in the middle of painful heart surgery.
So, where is the place you visit with Jesus? If you don’t have one yet, I invite you to ask Him where He wants to visit with you.
“How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.”
Psalm 139:18-19
If you look closely [some imagination required] you’ll see a bunch of tulips in an overly large vase.
Choosing to step outside my Cambodian door I am met by Khmer people whose occupation title reads “begging.” Little boys, girls, moms, aunties and uncles…missing limbs, blind, deaf, uneducated. They put out their bowls and make the global “need rice” signal.
Sitting down at the feet of Jesus faithfully every day can be hard. Yes, it’s life-giving and beautiful. Unarguably the best decision anyone can make.
t’s a struggle._AP.jpg)
There is ONE police officer who is a believer. ONE police officer who is helping IJM provide further training to interested police officers.
The lie that I have more than “poor, deprived, starving children in Africa.” In response, I have offered up sacrifices of guilt, poured out finances, time, and a pretend love… all in attempts to give Christ only to those who “really needed Him, because they don’t have anything else.”
The lie that I have more than “upper class filthy rich, uncompassionate, pricks living in mansions.”
There is a place I often go. It’s a shaded path with majestic trees and jutting paths that meet open meadows. The destination is usually a grassy knoll, where I lie with Jesus. On the way we dart into the trees, and explore the unmarked areas. There are fields of wildflowers, prairie grass, and Light.